Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I feel like rain.

I've been ok the last few days. IUI #2 was on Saturday, so I am 3dpiui. We had 50 million sperm, 65% motile and grade of 3 (whatever that means). I felt *pretty* positive, but then, so did I for IUI #1. I actually went to confession on Saturday afternoon for the first time in about 10 years. When I told him about D (my "friend," whom I don't really like, who is pregnant; she's a friend through marriage), I started to cry. I told him that I can't look at her, can't call her and I can't even think about her. It just hurts and I hate it. I hate that pain that infertility has brought me. Because I never wanted it and never expected it.

He told me that 1) children are God's gift, but like the women in the Bible, those children are meant to "give back to God." I'm still thinking about what that means. 2) My Penance was to call D (which I did) and 3) To realize that this is a part of life that can not be planned for but that he could see I have lots of love to give children and that he would pray for me.

OK. I felt so weepy and wonderful when I left. Meanwhile, at home, Mr. Hysterical is acting like a loon. He can't be at home w/o cleaning something and he was just really distant from me. Sometimes I think the act of the IUI makes him feel secondary and like he had no part in it. Not sure if that is what it was, but he was mopey too. Two mopey people. I'm tired of asking him "what's wrong?" and "did I do something?" I'm tired of that b/c I feel so burdened by what may or may not be happening in my abdomen and the ramifications of each outcome. I honestly feel like I need him to be the strong, funny, optimistic one... and I didn't marry him for any of these qualities. What I did marry him for was his patience. And his love for me, which I can feel in my core. And his logic. And his love of my family. I just really miss Mr. Hysterical right now. I just feel like we're really far apart and I'm not sure what's going on.

He emailed me and told me he missed me and that he went to some fun restaurant for lunch w/ co-workers. I broke. I wrote him and said that he only does fun, spur-of-the-moment stuff w/ his co-workers and leaves the chores and moodiness to me. Of course, I'm guilty of the same (not the lunches, but the moodiness). I told him I was angry. So evidently I'm like a 4th grader today. I feel about as stable as a 10 year old. I just feel like I never see him and when I do, it's chores, RE appts, dinners under duress, stressing about work or how we hate living here, car problems, "what's wrong?" and "what can I do?" and "is something the matter?" I'M JUST SO SICK OF IT. I want my life back. I want my mojo back and our hot dates back and my running back and my climbing back and the me who wasn't jealous of people w/ baby bumps. I hate this crazy, new version of me. I miss me and him and us. I feel like this baby who may or may not exist yet has taken over all happiness b/c this baby is now the only event that would make me happy. I feel like I'm a slave to my RE and to my husband and to all of the expectations of being perfect that I have for myself. I'm so tired. I look tired and I am.

I'm not sure if it's the HCG trigger that's making me this way. That was 6 days ago. But I feel crazy. And I've got a cold coming on. So I'm stuffy and and blowing my nose and clearing my throat and I'm grumpy. All right. Pity party complete.


Michell said...

I'm so sorry. This whole thing is such a roller coaster from hell that it isn't even funny and it does crazy things to everyone who rides. I hope that this month is the one that works for you and that this time that is so not what your life is like passes quickly and is nothing but a distant memory soon. Hang in there.

Ahuva Batya said...

I'm so sorry you are in this spot. I know what the craziness feels like, and the pain of not being able to focus on anything but the baby stuff. It can be such a strain to a relationship. When I'm in that crazy place, sometimes I just use force of will to put it all aside for a date, or even an hour of being nothing but loving and happy around my husband, and that helps ma lot. Take care.

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