Sunday, October 14, 2007

Not Invited....

This is definitely going into the "absurdity" category b/c I know I'm being a big baby. I remember when I was about 8 years old and Mark McAllister had a birthday party and didn't invite me. The kid lived 2 blocks away from me and I couldn't figure out what I did to not be invited. I remember walking the two blocks with my sister and looking at his house and the pool full of kids in the back yard and wondering why I wasn't with my classmates and friends. What had I done? I still don't know. Never found out. Must've blown over though because he was my friend in high school. Just bizarre. How you don't *want* to care that you're not invited but it still leaves you with this hollow and horrible pain. That makes you believe no one loves you.

This is where the absurdity comes in. I WASN'T invited to a baby shower... and I somehow feel slighted. I would never have gone and I'm not sure why it bothers me (other than it reminds me of that isolated feeling as a kid). It's my husband's cousin's wife's baby shower. So, you see, of course I wouldn't be invited. However when we went to visit my in-laws this weekend, MIL asked if I had been invited. "To what?" She explained the what and I said, "God no." Trying to put on a face that "Jesus Fuck, no and thank God." Stillllll..... I heard her on the phone later with her sister and hearing that, "No, she wasn't invited" somehow really cut deep. Maybe because it's not my baby shower. Maybe because I know it happened so easily for them and I don't fit into that category. Not even enough that I get to go to the party. Whatever.

Having said that, I'm now on cycle #13, on CD 5. 3rd night of Clomid tonight (which doesn't appear to affect my lining yet as the AFs lately have been heavier?). I'm not going to say "lucky 13" because I remember saying "lucky cycle #3" and "lucky cycle #7" and those didn't pan out. Mr. Hysterical is getting pretty impatient with my negative attitude. I feel bad for him. I feel bad for being such a weak, whiney, pessimistic wife. I don't want to be her. I want to be all zen and positive and blissed out that we're doing something productive with a specialist, for God's sake. But most days I feel cheated and lost and tired. Any ideas on how to shock myself out of that attitude are welcome. I'm tired of it.

We had a friend over the in-laws' house last night (we'll call him "Huggy," as he gives hugs that are a tad bit too long). He was saying how he had no desire to get married and no desire for children. I was even jealous of him. I wish I could have no desire. In fact, 2 years ago I didn't. I did everything I could do to prevent a pregnancy. The Pill, spermicide, condoms, running to the bathroom after sex to squeeze out every last drop of semen. What the hell. I often wonder if I cursed myself. I wonder if others think like that. Anyways, bottom line was that he made me feel so fucking foolish that I'm spending $ and taking drugs and not running or climbing or drinking b/c we want a child. Of course he never said or did anything to that level at all. It was my projection. It was my feeling foolish and seeing that there are humans out there, smart, financially-sound humans who do not obsess about getting pregnant. I felt so one-dimensional and idiotic and boring. So desperate for that moment when all of this will be validated.

And MIL wanted some details re: our treatments. I told her and pretty much pinned it all on me. I didn't tell her about her son's poor morphology. Don't want her to think he's less than perfect. Because he is perfect to me.

1 comment:

Michell said...

That is hard not being invited and feeling left out. A baby shower may have been harder but it still doesn't change the feeling of hurt. As far as the huggy friend, I'm sure he has something else he spends money on that would be totally useless in someone elses eyes. I know I am spending way more money than my friend would think is a good plan. Her response (she really was trying to be helpful) was that maybe it was time for me to just adopt.