Not Invited....

This is definitely going into the "absurdity" category b/c I know I'm being a big baby. I remember when I was about 8 years old and Mark McAllister had a birthday party and didn't invite me. The kid lived 2 blocks away from me and I couldn't figure out what I did to not be invited. I remember walking the two blocks with my sister and looking at his house and the pool full of kids in the back yard and wondering why I wasn't with my classmates and friends. What had I done? I still don't know. Never found out. Must've blown over though because he was my friend in high school. Just bizarre. How you don't *want* to care that you're not invited but it still leaves you with this hollow and horrible pain. That makes you believe no one loves you.

This is where the absurdity comes in. I WASN'T invited to a baby shower... and I somehow feel slighted. I would never have gone and I'm not sure why it bothers me (other than it reminds me of that isolated feeling as a kid). It's my husband's cousin's wife's baby shower. So, you see, of course I wouldn't be invited. However when we went to visit my in-laws this weekend, MIL asked if I had been invited. "To what?" She explained the what and I said, "God no." Trying to put on a face that "Jesus Fuck, no and thank God." Stillllll..... I heard her on the phone later with her sister and hearing that, "No, she wasn't invited" somehow really cut deep. Maybe because it's not my baby shower. Maybe because I know it happened so easily for them and I don't fit into that category. Not even enough that I get to go to the party. Whatever.

Having said that, I'm now on cycle #13, on CD 5. 3rd night of Clomid tonight (which doesn't appear to affect my lining yet as the AFs lately have been heavier?). I'm not going to say "lucky 13" because I remember saying "lucky cycle #3" and "lucky cycle #7" and those didn't pan out. Mr. Hysterical is getting pretty impatient with my negative attitude. I feel bad for him. I feel bad for being such a weak, whiney, pessimistic wife. I don't want to be her. I want to be all zen and positive and blissed out that we're doing something productive with a specialist, for God's sake. But most days I feel cheated and lost and tired. Any ideas on how to shock myself out of that attitude are welcome. I'm tired of it.

We had a friend over the in-laws' house last night (we'll call him "Huggy," as he gives hugs that are a tad bit too long). He was saying how he had no desire to get married and no desire for children. I was even jealous of him. I wish I could have no desire. In fact, 2 years ago I didn't. I did everything I could do to prevent a pregnancy. The Pill, spermicide, condoms, running to the bathroom after sex to squeeze out every last drop of semen. What the hell. I often wonder if I cursed myself. I wonder if others think like that. Anyways, bottom line was that he made me feel so fucking foolish that I'm spending $ and taking drugs and not running or climbing or drinking b/c we want a child. Of course he never said or did anything to that level at all. It was my projection. It was my feeling foolish and seeing that there are humans out there, smart, financially-sound humans who do not obsess about getting pregnant. I felt so one-dimensional and idiotic and boring. So desperate for that moment when all of this will be validated.

And MIL wanted some details re: our treatments. I told her and pretty much pinned it all on me. I didn't tell her about her son's poor morphology. Don't want her to think he's less than perfect. Because he is perfect to me.

Ode to Coffee

So, I'm 98% sure that the RE would forbid my coffee. He's already forbidden all of my climbing, running and ashtanga yoga. Those rules I can handle -- sorta. The first two months with the RE, I did manage to satisfy myself with tea. And then the weather changed and I couldn't bear it. I needed my coffee back! I remember our first consult with the RE. He asked about my caffeine consumption and suggested that "green tea can increase fertility." Aaaaaaaaaggghhhh!!!

When I had my annual exam 2 weeks ago, I asked the ob/gyn about caffeine. She said that in "global literature, coffee consumption doesn't cause the problems that are claimed in American literature." Then she threw in this: "Americans are purists, you know." SO TRUE. Sister spoke to my soul. That day, I started having my one cup a day. God bless her.

And that cup of morning coffee makes me much happier. The ritual of making it, the smell, the mini-jolt. I'm tired of waiting and self-sacrificing and trying to be so perfect and ascetic. It's annoying and I don't want the pressure of being the perfect patient/mother/TTC'er any more. Liberating!!!!!!!

I was sure to ask, "Are you sure it doesn't interfere with implantation?" "Definitely not," she replied -- smirking as if she thought that was a silly question. She just warned not to drink so much that the baby is born with the shakes; accompanied with a little demonstration of a baby with the shakes. I won't. Just one cup. Just one damn cup of pure morning bliss.

In other news, I'm 10dpo. Boobs slightly tender and some creamy cm, still. Slight crampiness today, as if AF is impending. Trying not to think about it. But, of course, I am.

Things I've Tried...

I wanted to compile a list of conception schemes and devices that I've tried. And have ultimately been unsuccessful. Ahem. Here goes:

1. Sex (missionary position, doggy-style, girl-on-top, in the shower -- all unsucessful)
2. Alcohol ("Have a couple glasses of wine and RELAX... that's how we did it.")
3. Cutting caffeine (made for an unfriendly me)
4. Temping (drove me crazy and my RE is forbidding it)
5. Instead cups (that was a mess... I shall not go into details)
6. Ovulation predictors (couldn't read them)
7. CBEFM (nice, but didn't work)
8. Pre-Seed (why does it work for everyone else the first time?)
9. Mucinex (worked somewhat)
10. Grapefruit juice (did make more mucous... oddly)
11. Green tea (same as above)
12. Pineapple cores (you don't see me talking about my baby, do you?)
13. Acupuncture (had some weird side effects, but I'll try it again)
14. Forgetting about it (only made me obsess more)
15. Pillow under butt after sex
16. Lying on stomach after sex (since uterus is retroflexed)
17. Lingerie
18. Going away for a weekend
19. Fertility drugs and IUI (currently)
20. Mom and blind client guy lighting candles at churches
21. Paying the Blessed Virgin $1 weekly
22. Lucky baby booties above the bed
23. Amassing baby karma (requires being around babies, which only reminds one that you don't have one!)
24. Fertility yoga
25. Poultry and eggs (Read Waiting For Daisy)
26. Prayer
27. Obsessing

The list will continue...